The journey that we were scared of...
I've been told by several that I need to journal and blog our infertility journey. I kept putting it off because honestly, being this vulnerable is hard. (I know I know, as a therapist vulnerability should be easy for me, ha!) I didn't want to be seen as "attention seeking" and I was scared (and still am) afraid of pity. I'm not a writer, so this is just going to be a big jumbo mess of whatever comes to my mind. It's hard to put into words what this has truly been like for us.When people ask how I am, it’s easy to respond with “good!” even on the hardest days. A lot of fear has delayed me from starting this. I'm even here thinking right now "Am I REALLY going to post this?? Maybe I'll just type it and keep it just for myself to look back on.." but I've been wrestling with this for a while, especially since Jv told me a few weeks ago he felt God was wanting him to release our story to our youth group. He was preaching a sermon series on faith and felt God wanted him to be transparent to our kids about our own journey with faith. Jv said something to me while wrestling with this and it stuck, "you can't give God the glory with a story you're unwilling to tell."
“God can't get glory from a story you're unwilling to tell."
At the time, I thought "well sure, I'll tell it once we have our kid!" But then it hit me, why not now? What are you so afraid of? Sure, I've told our family and close friends about our journey, but putting it out for the world to see? Absolutely not. I’m fine. That's terrifying! He told the youth group and with my heart beating out of my chest, I sat there and listened to him as he was being obedient to God. I was still wrestling with it, trying just to be content with keeping my notes in my phone for my eyes only. Then last week, a fb friend posted how they recently realized in telling their story, it might encourage another person to push through their difficult time. This also hit me as I wondered how many other couples are facing this, feeling like they are going through it alone? So many people struggle with infertility, but oftentimes it goes unsaid. I feel like people who struggle with infertility either go through it one of two ways: they're silent about it, or they make infertility their identity. Like I said before, our family and close friends know, but we don't go around sharing our story to everyone. I think maybe because first, what do you say? How do you even start that conversation? "Hey so I know we're hanging out and having a good time but my husband and I have been trying to have a kid for "x" amount of time and it sucks. Just thought I would throw that out there." Um what? What a mood killer! Or oh, my favorite *random person* "So, when are ya'll going to finally have a kid?" (the amount of times I've heard that one or a variation of the question) and then what? The typical Christian response "when God lets us!" *insert awkward laugh* and then not only you, but the person who asked and everyone around feels uncomfortable. If only I could say what I want to say in response to that question! I've come to the conclusion that some people are really just that insensitive, while I've also realized that most people really just don't know. They don't know how insensitive and how hurtful those questions can be because they've never walked through this themselves. I'm guilty of asking those questions before going through this. Asking when someone is having a kid is so normal, that a couple who has been married for a while with no kids is so "abnormal." So, what can we do about it? TALK ABOUT IT! Lets normalize women and men who can't just "get lucky" on the first try or heck, didn't even mean to. I feel like I'm coming off mad and bitter, I'm really not. (okay, maybe a little mad, but not to those who haven't struggled). I'm mad that people who struggle with infertility feel like they can't talk about it because of other’s responses. I've not had just one, but MULTIPLE people respond with " well are you sure ya'll are doing it right?" Whether it's meant to be a joke or not, it's hurtful. So why am I typing this blog? I guess for more reasons than one. I stated earlier it's because I want God to get glory out of this story but also, I want to raise infertility awareness, educate people (on what NOT to say), and to help anyone I can walking a similar journey. Not going to lie, typing this out has also been extremely therapeutic for me! So, here I am. I want God to get all the glory out of this. I truly feel God is teaching me something through this that I want to document all that I can from it. I also want to normalize the feelings and emotions of walking through this journey. I keep referring to it as a "journey" because that is truly what it is. The definition of a journey is an act of traveling from one place to another. Sometimes in a journey, we have no idea where we are headed. We know where we want to go, but there are many twists and turns on the way and it definitely might not look like we thought it would but regardless, you’re going somewhere.
“Faith doesn't make sense at times but when faith moves from what we think to the sovereignty of who God is, Faith will move mountains.”
So you may ask the question, "what can I get from these blogs?" Well, our hope is that we can increase your faith along the journey you find yourself in as we walk though ours.
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