One month into 2023 and we have already faced obstacles. God has also already proven Himself to be faithful. Our church always ends the month of January with 3 days of fasting and prayer. On the last night, we had a guest speaker who brought a phenomenal word. The sermon was titled “Push to Get Your Miracle.” It was about Elijah and how even though he didn't see the rain, he got into the position, which coincidentally was the birthing position, to receive the miracle God had promised him. He continued to preach on the cloud the size of a man’s hand and the faith and expectancy he had despite not seeing anything happen yet with his natural eye. He talked about how you can only hear God when you move closer to Him. I loved the example he used of when you want to hear someone better, you step closer to them. My heart was pounding 1,000 miles a minute during the whole sermon. I knew I had to take those 3 steps and get into the alter. You know what? The devil is cunning. He often tries to tell me that I’m the youth pastor’s wife and I need to pray for others instead of praying for myself. If that lie doesn’t seem to work, he puts the thought of “don't cause attention to yourself,” or “everyone is tired of praying for the same thing for you.” As I was wrestling with my thoughts, the pastor told a story of a time when he was deeply struggling when he was a youth pastor. He said “ I realized that in order to get my breakthrough, I had to go to the altar not as the youth pastor and his wife, but as Kevin and Amy.” That hit me hard. Though the devil doesn’t know my thoughts, he knew the lies he spoke into my mind. God is the only one who knew my internal dialogue at the time. God used the pastor to speak truth into the lie that as a youth pastor, I can't be vulnerable enough to go to the altar and be prayed for. I am a human just as much as anyone else in the room. I was terrified, but I was even more terrified of disobeying God. And yes, even as a pastor’s wife, going to the altar can be terrifying! I get it. I am so thankful though I did. Jv and I both did. He said later that he looked up to grab my hand and walk to the altar, but I had left him! During the sermon, I prayed and asked God to please give me a word. I so desperately needed something to cling to. Some kind of encouragement. Hope. Anything. What do you know, the speaker spoke directly to us and our situation without knowing anything about us. I won’t go into detail but I will tell you the beginning of how this happened. In the altar he prayed for me and there he said a few things that only I had thought, which confirmed that yes, God DOES hear me. He prayed over me and then prayed for Jv individually. We went back to our seats as the service was closing out, maybe 3 people were still being prayed for in the altar. The pastor walked past us about 4 steps and suddenly stopped, turned around, and looked at Jv and myself and said “Do yall have kids?” We shook our heads no, knowing exactly where this was going. He then walked up and said “okay, this is what I felt when I prayed for you earlier, but I didn't say anything. You guys are trying to have a child, correct?” That is where I will leave off for now. Let’s just say, you can’t make this stuff up. I do feel one day, God will release me to share all the words he has spoken to others or to us during this process. Today just isn’t the day.
I left that service feeling like I had the faith to move a mountain. I was so excited and just KNEW this month was the month. I actively and intentionally changed my thinking and for 4 days, I felt GOOD. Then, Sunday came along. Like I said before, I haven't been tracking my cycle so I wasn’t completely sure when my period was supposed to come. I actually just KNEW it wasn’t going to. To my complete surprise, my monthly enemy decided to give a little visit. Um…. what? God? Didn’t you just tell me to get into position to receive my miracle? You spoke DIRECTLY to me and my husband and told us things that seemed very clear, direct, and like it was happening.. I don't know, NOW? If you could hear my thoughts, this is exactly what I was thinking (I’m sure other things such as “WHAT THE HECK!!!”) Of course, these aren’t new feelings to me. I know them quite well. This time though, the disappointment felt almost unreal. Like, I know this isn’t happening. God, I did everything you said to do/think?? I finished getting ready, put on my happy smile and went to church. I’m not going to lie, Sunday I was pretty down. I let my emotions sink in and I started feeling my old, unwelcome friend, Depression. A pity party was calling my name. Balloons, confetti and all. Even my other unwelcome friend Anxiety was at the party waiting for me to blow out the candles. While I was at my pity party with my two frenemies, God checked me. Instead of why did this happen? It’s “of course this would happen!” God gave me an exciting, encouraging, word straight for me and my husband. It was bold and required us to muster up a lot of faith. The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy. Why wouldn’t he attack at that moment? Ugh. He is so predictable. That faith I had walking out of church that night scared the enemy to death. He didn't like it one bit. Now, does he have the power to override God’s plan? Absolutely not. But I do believe God allows things to happen to us in order to teach us. Each step of this journey has required more and more faith. Now after that word was given just for a few days later for it to feel like I was slapped in the face with disappointment, guess what? Even MORE faith is required to move forward. I can truly say I don’t know when our promise is coming. I can’t. What I do know though is God has heard every prayer, has seen every tear, and knows the desires of our hearts. Does it mean the waiting gets easier? I don’t think so. After 29 months of waiting, I’m kind of tired of it to be honest. In the midst, God is actively challenging me and growing my faith. I know without a doubt it WILL happen, and I don’t want to get so caught up in the promise that I rush the journey to get there.
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