2021 was a year full of disappointments. This year was spent navigating how to walk through this journey without it walking all over us. As youth pastors and a therapist, part of our “job” (at least most people think) is to have it all together. We spent many Sundays, Wednesdays and days at work struggling to put a smile on. People didn’t know that behind the smiles was disappointment from another pregnancy test we got that morning or yet again another cycle we prayed wouldn't come. At this point, we started opening up to some family and a few very close friends. We realized we couldn’t walk this journey alone. I thank God for our circle that we have had through this. People don’t always have the words to say, but there’s so much power in knowing people are walking this journey with you and lifting you up in prayer. I am thankful for those I can text or call on “one of those days” and can rant and vent without them giving advice or telling me “In God’s timing.” (which yes, it is in God’s timing, but in that moment, just let me vent!). One of my favorite grad school professor’s said it best “sometimes you just gotta sit in the suck with someone.” I’m thankful for my people who choose to sit in the suck with us.
During the year 2021, I feel like everyone I knew got pregnant. I know that isn’t true, but it sure felt like it. It felt like every time I got on social media, someone new was announcing their pregnancy. Though I was truly happy for friends who were getting pregnant, it stung. It's a weird thing to hold; genuinely being happy for someone you love while at the same time hurting because that's what you want and just seems so easy for others. Mother’s Day and Father's Day were never a holiday I dreaded until now. Those days at church, we heard so many "well, when can we celebrate you guys?" Each month it was like Groundhog Day, repeating the same thing. One week was your period, the next was preparation for “go time” which also, no one talks about the pressure of “those 4 days”. For those who know what I’m talking about, the pressure is real. That “window” comes with a lot of stress that often feels like “work.” Every time I tried to open up to someone about this struggle, I always heard “stop stressing and it will happen!!” Oh really? That’s it? Well let me just not stress then, thanks!! *insert eye roll*. Anyways, then you have a “lull” week where you try to just be normal and live life. Life seems almost normal and everything is good. The next is full of hope and anxiety, paying attention to everything your body is doing, being more aware of what you’re eating, etc,. The next week is “is this pms or early pregnancy symptoms?” You get extremely excited just knowing this is “the month” until your unwelcomed friend shows up. Repeat.
The one year mark was hard for me. I often blamed myself for this journey. Jv never made me feel like I was at fault, but I couldn't help but feel responsible. We talked about fertility treatments but kept it as a matter of prayer and kept "just waiting" and pushing it off to see if we would get pregnant. We struggled with this a lot. We really struggled with what trusting God looked like, whether we were going to just walk this journey out alone or use a doctor's help to guide. I had a hard time with this, wondering if that meant we had small faith by going to the doctors. I mean, God can do anything, right?? So why not just wait? After praying and talking to each other, we ultimately felt peace about going to the doctor. We agreed that we would go to the doctor for anything else medical, so why not with this? Although 2021 was extremely difficult, so many, I mean SO many people prophesied over us starting in 2021. In my notes on my phone, I have a long list starting in February of 2021 up until a few weeks ago of people speaking over our situation who truly had no idea. That list will be another whole blog post, it truly is a testament to God’s faithfulness. Random people we didn't even know were telling us to hold on, our promise is coming. This always came at just the right time too. At times where we truly didn't see much way out and felt absolutely drained, God would send someone just in the nick of time to keep us going. Through the constant disappointment, we were holding onto God's promise.
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