October 5th-We really thought this month was the month. I’m now on day 2 of my period being late, yet I keep getting negative pregnancy tests. Last night I was CONVINCED I was pregnant, we both were. We were both so excited, we stayed up late talking about how we were going to tell people. My parents were coming in this weekend and his dad the next, what perfect timing! When we laid down to go to sleep, Jv prayed over our daughter and even called her by name (he’s convinced we’re having a girl and I guess we already have a name, ha!). I slept maybe 3 hours total that night. I was so anxiously excited to wake up and take another test, I just KNEW it was going to be positive. This time it felt different. I wasn’t feeling my usual “pms-y” self. I laid in bed all night thinking this was it! The moment we have been waiting for has finally come. I went from thinking about how I would tell Jv to how I would tell my family to each one of our friends and youth group. It then sank in “holy crap. What if I am!?” All those nerves and jitters started and my mind and heart raced all night. I woke up (okay I watched my alarm go off because I was wide awake) and I took a test. I got up before Jv like usual and went to the bathroom. I didn’t tell him I was going to take a test because I wanted him to be surprised. It was the longest 3 minutes of my life. I anxiously paced the bathroom floor, thinking “Am I going to wake him up with a test or act normal and surprise him tonight?” NEGATIVE. What! Is the test wrong? Is it still too early to test?? I crawled back in bed and when I did, Jv just knew. I laid there and cried until I mustered up the strength to get up and keep getting ready. I put on make-up and covered up my puffy eyes and headed to work to help those who are struggling.
I kept thinking, “how am I going to help those when I am struggling so badly myself??” As the day went on and I was busy doing 100 things at once, it seemed to get a little easier. I was too busy to let myself think. On my lunch break I got on fb and bam. Pregnancy announcement. They always sting, but this one stung a little more.
October 6th- Yesterday was hard. Today’s a new day and exactly 2 years ago, we started trying. I know people are like what? How do you know the exact date? Well, when you’re trying, lets just say you keep track of EVERYTHING. Anyways. Last night Jv was super excited because he got my pregnancy tests from the trash (gross, but again, you’ll do anything for any kind of hope) and said one had a faint line showing a positive test. He texted me this at work and I shrugged it off thinking he was just wanting to see something that wasn’t there. We got home around 915 from church and looked at them, and sure enough, one definitely had a positive line. My heart began racing. We both began googling positive tests vs evaporation lines and per google, evaporation lines are colorless. This line was definitely blue. We pulled two out, one from that morning and one from the day before. We were convinced we were pregnant. If it was an evaporation line, wouldn’t both have one?? Again, we went to bed super excited and hopeful. I still had doubts, but I was just trying to protect myself from yet another disappointment. I slept better that night, but woke up this morning super excited. Again. I snuck into the bathroom and took another test. Waited, paced, prayed, waited some more, NEGATIVE. Are you kidding me? Is this thing broken??? The test obviously was flawed because the blue line that is always supposed to be there wasn’t there, so I went to work still on edge not knowing. Around 1030 I didn't have a student and I couldn't take it anymore. I left work and headed to Walgreens to buy yet another pack of pregnancy tests. Can we just talk about the price of pregnancy tests? Anyways. I headed back to school with my heart racing. I headed straight to the bathroom and took another test. This time I was sure of it. I was pregnant. I knew what I saw last night on that test. This morning’s test was just wrong. Yet again, NEGATIVE! Defeated and in shock, I headed back to my office because I had an 11am. I couldn’t show I was upset, (I mean, who wants a crying therapist??). I told Jv. We are both emotionally exhausted. My heart is tired of being let down. I desperately want to get off this emotional rollercoaster.I don’t want to set myself up for heartbreak again.. But at the same time I know God will do it. I told Jv that the hardest thing is having faith in God’s timing, but at the same time being heart broken. Funny enough, 2 years ago when I started at Shorter I wanted to do a “verse of the week” on my chalkboard. Well, what I didn't know was I used permanent chalk on it. Funny enough for whatever reason that week, I wrote Isaiah 60:22 on my board which states “When the time is right, I, the Lord, will make it happen.” That verse is still stuck on my board as a constant reminder. Isn’t God funny like that?
October 7th- I started my period in the middle of the night last night. I woke up around 4 am. Well, let’s start over and try again. Maybe next month.
As of right now, (10/11), the surgery is scheduled for November 18th. Our issue is, money is due one month before your surgery date and Christian Health Care will not cover his surgery cost. His surgery is $5,000 and after already spending around $8,000 so far, who has another $5,000 just laying around?? So, as of October 10th, that's where we are now. We have 8 days to pay $5,000. Though I am a little stressed, I know God is going to provide.. He always has. “We need a Miracle” by Charity Gayle has been on repeat. I had never heard of it until last Sunday. I remember my mom talking about it and for whatever reason while getting ready for church, that song came to my mind and I looked it up. WOW. Talk about what I needed at that moment. I’m trying to live by the bridge “In the waiting You get the glory, in the healing You get the glory, in the breaking You get the glory, in the breakthrough You get the glory.”
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